Life could be really easy if it weren’t for the words.

Handling staff and freelances is a problem.  As a publisher I am often called upon to handle the issue of pesky authors who get too big for their boots.  Here I describe how I handle them – and I am sure that you can adapt my technique for your own personal usage in your company.  Let me know how you get on!

With writers, it  is vital to get a firm grip on what goes on at the start of the book – what we like to call the “front matter”.

You can always tell the front matter because it is numbered in lowercase roman numerals, as opposed to the mere text of the book which is numbered in the much more commonplace and downmarket Arabic numerals.

First you will need your frontispiece – a nice illustration which need have nothing to do with the book as a whole, but is copyright free (and thus without fee).  Choose it with care, and the author challenges you, tell him/her that without the frontispiece the book will become a laughing stock.  That sets the scene for the whole publisher-author relationship.

Opposite the frontispiece is a verso page (the frontispiece being, of course, recto, for obvious reasons which are too delicate to mention here).

The title page contains the title – we must be very clear about this.  I sometimes give the author a mention on this page, but it’s not obligatory.

Next up you can have the contents – usually one of the publisher’s main activities (and here you must absolutely never rely on the author who won’t have a clue what he/she has written about).

Interestingly the table of contents is not only in the front matter but can also include the page number of the table of contents.  This is known as self-referencing, and is considered a good thing.

Within the context of the contents subheadings and nested subheadings (that is subheadings that are due to give birth) are generally seen to be of significance and are also considered to be good things.  Handle them with care.

Next up comes the foreword, which is often best left to a mythical person of supposed importance within the context of the book.  I tend to introduce Sir Hardly Anyone at this point who is (depending on my mood) General Secretary of the Society of Certain Things, or Head of Nutrition at Weetabix Ltd.  This choice seems to cover most books.

Each edition of the book should have a new foreword which comments on how things have moved on since the foreword of the last edition.  All previous forewords should be retained in reverse date order, for verisimilitude.  Indeed it is not unknown to start with seven or eight forwards to get a sense of gravitas at this point.

Now we are getting into the meat and two veg of the book, for we come to the  Preface.  This is where the author will try to push in, claiming that he or she is the best person to write the story of the book.

But you must resist!  Invent another celebrity to write the piece, and tell the author it will look awfully self-centred to have a writer’s foreword.  If the author presents you with a copy of a book where the writer has indeed written the foreword take the book, hold it at arms length, scowl and then say, “well, I rest my case, but if you really want it like this…”

Beyond this we have the Acknowledgement.  Even if there is a thank you in the Preface you still need the Acknowledgements.  These are a way of saying that certain people did things, but these were not considered of enough importance to be in the Preface.  In fact the Acknowledgements section is the perfect place to insult everyone you have ever felt like insulting.  The smaller the typeface the greater the insult.

Following this we come to the Introduction.  Authors are generally considered fairly inept when it comes to Introductions, and it is best not to let the author loose here, for he/she will only ramble on and on about the history of the light bulb in 19^th century Carlisle, or the role of the beef sandwich in the discovery of the pulsar.  Best if you handle it.

You can however let the author have a go at a dedication, as long as there is an agreement to keep the dedication down to ten pages or less.   If you get a dedication which starts, “This book is dedicated to The Right Revered Isaac Wob, who was Bishop of Bloemfontein back in the days of that little adventure with the farmers we now like to call the Boer War…” then you know that the delete button is going to be needed.

And so, the Prologue. Amazingly most authors are generally so besotted with their writings that at this point they forget that the Prologue is written by a character from the book.  Equally they don’t realise that just because Frankie Howerd always began, “It came to pass…” this is not de rigour.  For safety, write it yourself.

Beyond this we have the publication date, the edition number, the copyright information, the ISBN, and the printer’s key – which clearly is your domain.

When all this lot is put together it should take you up to the normal 198 pages – which means you don’t have to bother with all that troublesome stuff from the author.  And that certainly cuts down on production time.

I trust that is clear, but if you need further help, do let me know.

There was also talk of a promotion to encourage people to go on a sponsored bungee jump as a way of raising additional funds.  I was looking forward to the possibility of some interesting new business for Hamilton House.

We settled down in the Toppled Bollard’s new Pig and Stoat bar, a rather jolly addition to my local hostelry with a history dating back several hundred years, and (I have always suspected) staff to match. But suddenly my guest asked, “What makes Hamilton House different?”

Unfortunately, I never do very well on general questions.  The real answer (that we are efficient and effective, realistic in our promises and responsive to our customer’s needs, as well as being experts in getting teachers to buy what our clients want to sell them) sounds like rather tedious self-promotion.  I needed a new angle.

“I see our work,” I said, “as akin to the work of Thomas Edison.”   I can’t actually recall why I said this.  It just seemed to come out.

My guest looked unimpressed.  “The inventor of the light bulb?” she asked.

I tried to explain.  “When Edison set up his laboratory, he planned to invent something every ten days.  He just decided to do it, and then he did it.  We work in the same way.   We decided to become the leading marketing companies in relation to radical new approaches to selling direct,  (writing promotional letters, emails and blogs, building the most effective lists and so on).

Then we did it.

“And he invented the phonograph,” my guest stated emphatically.  Somehow I was struggling to relate my opening to my main theme and Edison didn’t seem like such a good idea after all.

“Indeed,” I said (for it is always best to agree with a potential customer.)  “But it is not the specific inventions that have impressed me.  It is much more the notion of deciding to do something – like invent – and then going ahead and doing it.  We wanted to devise a new and more effective approach to direct marketing and we did it.”

My guest nonchalantly ordered a glass of sparkling water, rather wisely opting against the Chilli à la Corbiere which was listed as dish of the day (as indeed it had been for the last two weeks).   Then she summarised the situation thus far.  “You are saying that to understand what makes your services different I should compare you to the man who coined the phrase ‘1% inspiration, 99% perspiration’.”

“Perhaps,” I said, “you’d like to see the warehouse – when we’ve finished lunch.”

Tony Attwood

PS:  Call 01536 399 000 to debate mailings, fulfilment, email, blogs, promotions and sales letters, whilst avoiding all talk of the first commercial development of a power distribution system, not to mention the development of the silent movie.  On the other hand you can call me on 01536 399 013 to talk about football or the weather.   It won’t increase your revenue, but passes the time of day.

———————-

Background: Hamilton House started to revolutionise the concept of writing copy for direct marketing and email in the late 1990s.  We developed the view that it was possible to push the boundaries of direct marketing further and further, and in so doing become more and more effective.

There are of course issues – one can’t just charge in with an email or letter like the one above – one needs to introduce the project more slowly.  And different people need different approaches – but generally we found we were able to make it work over time with every group we targeted.

As such the Toppled Bollard stories represent the most radical approach we ever developed, and they have always worked brilliantly for us as a marketing tool.

If you would like to talk about how your response rate can be doubled by writing to clients in a very different way, please do call 01536 399 000.

This year the annual awards of the School Marketing Alliance for Reaching Teachers in Educational Settings (Smarties) took place in the Toppled Bollard in Corby – a jaunty venue and one that offers a thrilling setting for a meeting of the nation’s top educational salesmen and women.

The catering staff put on their usual display of haute cuisine – the shepherd’s pie contained an additional shepherd, and the spotted dick contained an extra spot.  Life for the crème of the profession was good.

This year I was not honoured, I regret to say, with an award, being inexplicably overlooked for “best sales letter for a story about a pub”.  But being a local, and thus unlikely to overindulge in Toppled Bollard house white, they did ask me to make the closing speech.

My exposition (“Raising response rates in direct mail into schools”) was delivered to a packed house.  I took the opening shouts advising where else I could be at that hour of the night as the traditional banter of an industry welcoming one of its own long-serving sons to the top occasion of the year, and settled to my theme.

There were, I told the guests, 37 obvious ways in which most mail shots could get better response rates.  Method One I suggested, involved raising response rates by reducing the glitz and glamour of the full colour multi-folded digitally compressed graphically coded, coated art printed 128 page catalogue, and replacing it with a single sheet of one colour one side A4, accompanied by an attractive, zappy, fun sales note written (not to put too fine a point on it) by me.

It was at this point that I noticed a gaggle of delegates (I can use no other generic term to describe the grouping) led by senior directors of the Bollard Print Co, who it turns out were sponsors of the event.  As they advanced on the podium armed with what appeared to be a noose, I gathered that they did not take kindly to advice which would (it could be argued) reduce their turnover.

Quick as a flash, and showing my renowned ability to improvise in dodgy situations I brought my remarks to a close, congratulating the staff of the Toppled Bollard on their hospitality, noting only in passing what a shame it was that the waitresses were now all asleep.

Thus sadly those present did not get to hear my views on how educational direct mail response rates can be raised while costs can be reduced.  So instead I have written up my notes and made them available to anyone interested in a series of articles on www.hamilton-house.com Just click on “How To” on the left and scroll down the list and you will find the education section.

Those of a technologically challenged disposition can phone me on 01536 399 013 and I’ll talk to you.  Either way I will send you a copy of the speech I would have made had I not been “interrupted by events” (as Louis XVI so famously had it in 1789).

Tony Attwood

PS A summary of what actually happened to Louis XVI in 1789 and subsequently is also available from the same source, for those with an interest in mindless violence.

As I began to feel the pull of retirement (it happens to us all, so stop sniggering please) I decided that each week I would make the effort to take one of the readers of my occasional meanderings s out for a meal.  I used to do this sort of thing as a regular occurrence, but my doctor warned against too much excitement in my old age.

But then I realised that I would  not only reach retirement long before I had met even 10% of those I wish to entertain – I would also be shuffling off this mortal thingy (as the bard said) before I got to everyone, even if I lived to a ripe old age.

So on the basis that I can’t get to everyone thought I would send you the meal to enjoy in the comfort of your own home.

Unfortunately (and I really am very sorry to report this) Securicor today declined the chance to deliver to you the Beef au Rutland, Spotted Dick and a couple of glasses of rather interesting Chilean Chardonnay which I had chosen.

I’m devastated. I really am.  And I have been thinking all day of what I can do to make this up to you.   So I’ve decided the only thing to be done is to send you a brief summary of my rather entertaining sales patter on these occasions.  In this way you can select your own treat at your desk, and munch and drink at will while being enthralled by my words of wisdom and occasional wit.  So here we go…

“In the ten years,” (I say) “my company has written well over half a million words spread out over sales letters, brochures, emails, and blogs.  You may wonder why.”   (Inevitably a glazed look settles over my guests at this point.  Don’t worry – it gets better.)

“There are,” I announce with due ceremony, “eighteen possible reasons.”

Now I must I admit I have lost a couple of clients at this point as they suddenly remember urgent appointments in Uzbekistan.  However I quickly add, “but I shall restrict myself to one,” and that seems to calm them down.  So here it is.

“People use these forms of communication because they make money out of them.”  This is a good one I always feel.  Straight, to the point.  It gets a nod.  Sip the Chilean white.

However some people object at this point, saying that it hasn’t worked for them.  And I hit them with the coup de grâce.  “In our group of companies,” I say, trying not to look smug, “we have a publishing house, and each week we send out a range of emails.   We analyse the results and we know they work.  Additionally I write a few blogs a day for the company (the numbers are not included in the half million) and I check the audience figures for these regularly.  People read the material, and then contact us.

“Indeed,” I add a little later, leaning back imperiously over a rather eccentric cup of Columbian coffee, “there are no secrets.  I’m really happy to take a look at your product, web site, email or a leaflet you’ve produced, and give you some thoughts on how our techniques could be adapted by you.  If you think what I suggest is a load of tosh, you can ignore it – there’s no charge so there is nothing to lose.”

So there you are.  The free lunch exists after all.  I’m just so sorry that you weren’t able to share it with me.

Tony Attwood

PS: If you would like us to review any leaflet you want to put in a shared mailing just send it to me.  Or if you prefer, give me a call.   This really is a free service, but you don’t have to take my word for it.  Oh actually, yes you do.   Email Tony@hamilton-house.com

I must admit I wasn’t quite clear as to what all that meant, but it did sound inspirational.  As she paused to consider the Skull and Magpie patent menu scribbled on a blackboard by our resident publican and Elvis impersonator Bert Starbuck, I saw an opportunity and launched into my sales patter re direct mail, blogs and emails.

I explained the concept – we could set up a web site, add a blog, and start writing a daily news service based around her oompany.   We could then also email the text to her email list of existing and potential customers.  We could move over to conversational selling, rather than SHOUTING ABOUT THE DISCOUNTS THIS WEEK.

“So what’s new then?” she said.  She was sharp, I had to admit that.

“Nothing,” I agreed.  “And everything.  We have huge amounts of data on how the text you use affects the blogs, emails, and direct mail you send out.  It is important to use this knowledge – and to use every medium, and to experiment all the time.  Never ever say, ‘its not right for us’.

“But if you could come up with a totally new approach to direct marketing it would be really interesting.  I love to see anyone break the rules and really make it all work.”

“So what are the rules?” she asked.

“Talk to your customers in a conversational style.  Write to them at least once a week.  If you can find enough to say, write to them each day – but in that case, make sure they opt in to the service.  Become the source of information and news in your industry.”

“And is this what everyone does?”  She ordered steak and kidney pie.  A risky choice; I admired her style.  “Does everyone follow the rules?”

“No.  In fact most firms don’t which is what gives those that do the great opportunity.  Most direct marketing is quite poor, most firms don’t have blogs, most firms don’t email their current customers every week.   They follow the rules of five years ago.  So if you can turn everything up and down again, that’s great.  I will learn some more.”

“So you want me to do a promotion in my own style, and you suspect I will fail because you know everything!” she said.  “What sort of salesman are you Tony?”

I was flummoxed, bemused, shocked, amazed.  I didn’t think that was what I was saying at all.  I protested that experimentation was essential, and although it would sometimes fail, it was only through experimentation that I had learned about the need to write in a conversational way.  It was the only way I had learned how to use emails and blogs.  I experiment all the time, I protested.  That is how I am able to help my clients get their advertising response rates up.

I looked at her again.   She was eating the pie!  I sipped the wine, specially imported from the Toppled Bollard. And waited.

Suddenly she left.

That’ll teach her to argue with me.

Tony Attwood

PS:    If you are happy with how your marketing is going, that’s fine.  If you want to know how to make blogs, emails and direct mail work in the new financial environment, without running up flagpoles to see who salutes, and without spending a fortune, give me a call on 01536 399 013.  You won’t have to visit the Skull and Magpie.  Or eat the pie.  There’s more stuff on the How To guides section at www.hamilton-house.com – click on the link on the left.

This week I was taken out for a most jolly lunch at the Snake and Wolfhound (a rather enticing local pub with a singularly varied menu that has opened just next to the Toppled Bollard) by a  journalist working on a series of articles on how to sell.

I told her selling was simple. I always look to the master when such issues arise.   I quickly followed this with an order for a second helping of cheesecake à la Dracula with double cream – something of a favourite in these parts, trusting that neither my guest nor my personal trainer at the gym would notice.

Instantly she picked me up on this word of wisdom. “The master?” she repeated.

Nodding politely while taking a bite of Dracula and a sip of Rutland Red (which is harder than it looks, let me assure you) I gave her the full benefit of my wisdom.

“When selling we all follow the standard rules: let the customer do the talking, nod at salient points, sympathise with past problems, acknowledge that it is a tough world out there, and then when the moment is right offer a solution.  Keep it simple, tell it straight, close the sale.”

To my horror she was writing it down.  Against my better judgement I ploughed on.

“But we all know it doesn’t always work.  You need a fall-back position, and so when in doubt I try to find something that I might have in common with my potential customer.  Any reference to north London is helpful (I was born and brought up there) as is Algeria (lectured there), teaching (done it), book writing (done that too), football (season ticket), and radio (avid listener).  Pick any of those,” I explained, “and a bond can be set up which can lead to a sale.”

“But what if you have nothing in common with the customer?” she demanded.  “Supposing your client is interested in hockey, watches Coronation Street, comes from Belfast, was educated in Bannockburn, and works for a multi-national?”

“That is when I call on the master, for it is at that moment that I ask what the customer’s opinion is of Bob Dylan.  Everyone has an opinion on Bob Dylan.  Some think he’s dead, some think his voice has gone, some think “Not Dark Yet” was the greatest pop song of all time, some saw his last tour, some remember “Times they are a changing”, some know about the Oscar, some share the views of Andrew Motion.  You always get a response.”   I smiled.  A bite of cheesecake was called for, and I obliged.

She closed her notebook.  “Brilliant!” she said and left the restaurant.

So there we have it.  By this time next year you won’t be able to pick up the phone without a double glazing salesman asking your opinion on “Bringing it all back home” or a hairdresser commenting on the subtle bass line in “Blonde on Blonde.”  The options are endless.  And it will all be thanks to me.

Tony Attwood

PS:  For a limited period only you can discuss direct mail without any reference to the works of Bob Dylan by calling 01536 399 000.   On the other hand if you have a few hours to spare and would like to discuss the nuances of “What was it you wanted?” you can call me direct on 01536 399 013.

“Just as soon as you get the hang of it,” he announced at this weeks lecture to the assembled multitude, gathered in the Cesc Fabregas bar at the Bollard, “some smart Alec, clever Dick, or intelligent Ian comes along with a new ploy.

“The trick is to know which ploy works, and which one doesn’t.  But what you cannot do is just do what you did before.”

There was a hush in the bar, save for the jingling of glass in the washing machine.  This was what the audience had come to hear: the news of the future, the way forward, the key to making the business grow.

“Direct mail is down about 50% on this time last year,” Billy announced, and a hundred pens on a hundred notepads wrote the words down.

“Conversely email marketing is up by about 400%.”  The scratching of quill on parchment continued.

“This suggests that email is getting horribly overloaded – but when we look at this scenario more closely what we find is that all the overload in email is going into the old generic lists – the ones that just go to the general company address, with “Attention Marketing Director” in the subject line.”

(Scribble scribble)

Suddenly Billy raised his voice.  “So what does that tell us?”

There was a long pause which paramedics removed more elderly members of the ensemble who were suffering from shock.

“It tells us that this is another issue in which what happened two years ago is no longer a guide to what happens now.

“Copy and design that worked two years ago won’t work now.  The way in which people bought two years ago is different from now.  The media that worked two years ago doesn’t work now.

“It has all changed!!!”

He banged his glass on the table and several young ladies rushed forward to replenish his supplies.  There were calls from the floor of, “Tell us what to do,” and Billy the Dog surveyed the scene.

Eventually he said, “Here’s the ups and downs.

“First, direct mail written in the new conversational style works, because there is less of it around, so it gets more attention.  The old “announcement” style in which you just tell the reader what you have got, is utterly and totally dead.

“Second email to general addresses is getting less and less effective because there is so much of it, and most of it is written badly.  There is a secondary rule here – if the medium is dirt cheap then the writing is bad because the users don’t employ professional writers, so the chances of getting people interested through that medium go down because there is too much of it.  So everyone stops reading that type of email.

“Third, email to specific individuals does work if the email is directed to them, without any attempt to bulk mail everyone with the same information.  You have to use email in a way that directs the right information to the right people.  Otherwise they will unsubscribe from your list or just block you and not read.

“Fourth, there are new opportunities all the time.  The one that really seems to work brilliantly is the blog.  There’s evidence that companies that run regular blogs get twice as much work as those that don’t – just through the effectiveness of the blog.  Even my words are now recorded on a blog!

“There are more things I could say, but that surely is enough for now!”

The crowd agreed and there was wild celebrating.  The future, everyone was certain, was brighter than it had been ten minutes ago, and nobody noticed that Billy had once more upped the price of drinks in the Cesc Fabregas Bar.

—–

Want to know more about blogs, emailing and direct mail?  Call Hamilton House on 01536 399 000 or email Tony@hamilton-house.com   I am sorry to say Billy does not reply to individual emails.  There’s more about our work at www.hamilton-house.com

Billy the Dog lashes out on the lack of understanding of the blog as a selling tool.

At a recent lecture in the famous Toppled Bollard public house, Corby, Billy the Dog McGraw, keyholder to the saloon bar and head of the vodka division of the Russian Horticultural Association , bemoaned the fact that so many firms are utterly refusing to embrace the technology of the blog.

“I was commissioned by Hamilton House to undertake some research into the blogsphere, two years ago,” announced Billy before the appreciative applause had wound down, and with only one foot on the stage.

“I have to admit I started with a limited awareness of what blogging was all about, and started by reading a few blogs to get the feel.  Some were useless, but some inspired me.  And in a few cases I thought that what the writer was doing was so good I started telling my pals from other parts to read them.  In other words, I was doing the advertisers’ work for them!

“So I got the hang of it all, and then my chums at Hamilton House set me up a blog, and off I went.  And here I must point out that there was no mention of our beloved sponsors anywhere on the blog, because I wanted to prove I could do it from scratch rather than have anyone say to me that I was just using the Hamilton House name.”

There were murmurs of applause and nods of appreciation.  Billy, we all know, was not one to cheat.  Unless it was his round.

“I chose a subject I could write about – my football team.  One can argue that football has a lot of followers, what with it being a popular sport, and it is not a business – but I will come to the business application shortly.  What was against me however was the fact that this is a hugely crowded market with thousands of blogs covering the same territory.

“Day one came and I found I had one reader. Me.  On day two there were five readers – me and the four guys in the office.

“But over time I began to get the hang of it, and through finding the right way to work we now have approaching a quarter of a million readers a month.”

There were gasps from all around, but Billy brushed them aside.

“Not a quarter of a million hits, I should add,” he added, “but approaching a quarter of a million individual readers.”   There were more gasps and drinks were ordered.

“Once we had got to 100,000 readers a month and were starting to sell product from the blog, Hamilton House began to offer blog writing services.  Many were curious, but few were able to take the plunge.  Some said that only they could write their own blogs because only they knew their business – so they didn’t need our help – but then they never did get going.  Others said ‘its not really right for us.’

“But I battled on, and the customers came along. My team and I now write for several firms selling to schools, a printing company, a company that sells office equipment, and so on.

Billy then went on to give an example of the technique he uses.  “I will give you an example of the technique,” he said.  “I was asked to sell steel cabinets for use in the office – so I said in the blog – ‘What cabinet would you like to be stuck in, if you had to be stuck in a cabinet all night?   In answer to this question,’ (I continued in the blog), ‘there were many comments about it depending with whom one was stuck, but I let this go, looking for suggestions relating to the cabinets and their contents.  Eventually I chose the winner: Suzie in accounts.  She said she would opt for the cabinet containing the industrial sized jars of Nescafe.   “One sniff of those,” she announced, “and I would have so much adrenaline running through my body I would be able to kick the door down”!’

“The blog ended with a comment to the effecte that the cabinets could be found on page 248 of the catalogue, and the giant Nescafe jars on page 38.

“Now not only did people buy – some of them thought the story amusing, and sent it on to others, who would not normally read the blog.  The readership went up.  Sales went up.

“In another case a publisher asked me to explain to his customers the meaning of various technical terms like ‘bleed’ in the world of printing.   I related this to Shylock’s speech on the subject of being pricked with pins in the Merchant of Venice, proving once and for all that Shakespeare’s play was in fact a secret message to future generations on the issue of how he wanted his plays printed.  Within half an hour the publisher was receiving messages congratulating him on the quality of his advertising, and either promising or booking in work.”

There were cheers and a waving of pint glasses in the audience as Billy concluded his speech.

And all it leaves me to say is that if you would like to see what a blog look likes, well, look no further, because you are looking at one.

If you want to see more, here’s a couple of contrasting pieces… but if you want an explanation, or help, call Tony on 01536 399 000

The Hamilton House blog which remains fairly serious and straightforward  www.blog.hamilton-house.com

The original blog that Billy set up  is still running, and expanding.  www.blog.emiratesstadium.info

The Schools Blog – which contains nothing but advertisements we send out for our clients, but which still gets 30,000 readers a month, who find it through searching for key words.  www.blog.schools.co.uk

The Admin Blog – how it is possible to use a story as a blog.  This extract is part way through an adventure that lasted a year, and drew a huge audience.  After we finished the story we had calls and emails asking for it to start again, and one from a person who wanted to dramatise part of the story as a leaving present for a colleague.  http://www.blog.admin.org.uk/?m=200807

Believe me, blogs is good!

One of my earliest experiences which taught me that common sense in direct marketing is bunkum came with a client about 25 years ago – long before the days of digital, before the days of the ball point pen, in fact back in the days when Liverpool could win the football league.

In those dim and distant past times we used to advise customers to do a test mailshot of maybe between 300 and 1000 random addresses (the exact number depends on the response rate one expects).  Then if the results were as they wished, they should send out the rest of the mailing as fast as possible, pausing only to avoid public holidays, and a chance to visit the Toppled Bollard (wild cheers from the floor and gallery).

It was during this time that I had a client who was selling books to schools.  He did the mailing and got a response rate of 4% with his leaflet, which was very good indeed.  We were happy, he was happy, the Royal Mail were happy, and my dear wife Betise was happy because I had just bought her a new dish cloth (cries of shame from the assembled throng).

The client went away and returned 10 days later with the leaflets to do a full mailing.  He had done 1000 primary schools in the UK chosen at random, and wanted to go on and do the remaining 23,000.

The mailing items went straight to our warehouses, and the job was processed.  I thought no more of it, and saved my nervous energies for thinking of my new Elvis Lookalike costume that I was planning to wear at the gig and the “Sheep in the Duckpond” on saturday night.  

(Cries of “give us a song you old pancake” from the floor.)

You can imagine my surprise when, two weeks later, the same customer called me and demanded to know why his leaflets had not gone out.  I checked the schedule (in those days it was written in chalk on a blackboard) and confirmed that all was hunky-dory, and other names of David Bowie songs.

The client however was adamant.  He had had no replies so it could not have gone out.  After all, what else could be the reason for the test mailing?I checked and asked him if he had given us exactly the same leaflets to send out, and he said yes.

So there was much too-ing and fro-ing, and nothing was resolved, and so, on the basis that no one has a brain as big as mine (well, local people use the word “head” instead of “brain” but they mean well), I decided to take the horn by the bull and go and investigate myself.I got out the file for the current job, and for the original test job, and looked at the schedule, the dates, checked to see that no princesses had died that day, and looked again.And the answer was staring me straight in my blue suede shoes.  

The customer had not sent out the same leaflet as before.  He had originally sent out a single colour flyer.  The second time he had sent out a full colour version.

When we challenged him on the topic he still maintained that it was the same.  Only better.  ”The leaflet is the same,” he protested, “except that it is in colour.  Everyone knows that colour works better.  It is common sense.”

Sad in the heart I took him to one side and said, no it is not true that colour always works better.  It is all a matter of the psychology of perception – the way the brain sees the page and how the mind reacts.   It is quite common for colour not to work as well as mono in direct mail shots.  

In fact there is a whole section on this on the Theory of Direct Mail site, www.theory.bz  (Wild cheers from the audience in the Toppled Bollard).  

Go to the articles and look at the alphabetical list.

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Billy the Dog McGraw, expert on direct marketing and Elvis impersonator, speaks regularly at the Toppled Bollard, Corby, home of the direct marketing intelligentsia in the East Midlands.  

Regretably Billy is helping Her Majesty’s officers with some small matter of vote rigging in the House of Commons, and so can’t take personal calls, but if you venture to 01536 399 000 and ask for Tony, then I might be able to help a little.If you want to know more, there’s lots onwww.hamilton-house.com 

Each week Billy “The Dog” McGraw delivers a lecture on direct marketing at the one of the pubs in the Toppled Bollard chain.  Here’s the text of part of his latest extrapolation…

Last week I was surprised to hear a ludicrous attack on our beloved direct mail industry by an ill-informed so-called “comedian” delivering a diatribe on the BBC’s “Now Show”.

Like many before him he sacrificed story accuracy for a cheap laugh, in this case confusing the notion of “direct mail” with “door to door” deliveries.  It was ever thus, as I was only saying to my dear old pal Algenon Fitzgibbon Beater, just last week.

Direct Mail as we all know involves the sending of an advertising item through the postal system to someone who might (or might not) be interested in the product advertised.

Door to door means walking from house to house, slipping a leaflet through each door.  The door-to-door items are not addressed to individuals, and generally advertise (at least in my village) the Chinese takeaway that was closed down by the mental health agency the week before.  (On the grounds that you had to be daft to eat there in the first place).

As part of the latest deal between the Trade Onion and the The Very Royal Mail the Onion agreed to drop the statute of limitations which meant that each house could only receive three items of door to door mail a week.  Now there is no limit.  As a result Corby District and City Council have put extra bin collections on.

The notion (as proposed by the rather eccentric Now Show) that the amount of addressed door to door mail could be limited is frankly bizarre and eccentric, and reminds me of the time when I was wind surfing down the Eiger with the Duchess of Rutland getting closer by the second, but that’s an how’s your father too far.

The fact is that there is no restriction on direct mail delivery in our Fair and United Kingdom, and the fact is that response rates are rising gastronomically owing to a decline in the amount of direct mail being sent out each day is proof that the pudding is in the eating.

When I called my old drinking chum, Sir Hardly Anyone, chairman of the board of directors of the BBC I told him of this alarming gaff on one of his channels, I expressed surprise that he had let it through.

“I do check all programmes personally,” Sir Hardly assured me, “exactly as the Daily Mail has demanded, and I did go and check.  But I am sad to say that Wikipedia makes the same error and has a catatonically silly page on the point.  I have of course written in and told them what for, and suggested they go to Channel Five.  But what can I do?  It’s the licence fee….”  (At this point Sir Hardly was removed and put to bed by his butler.

So there we have it – door to door and direct marketing are not the same but both Wikipedia and the BBC think they are. 

If someone would care to buy me a drink I shall be delighted to continue speaking for another hour or two.  Ah yes, a pint of gin if you’d be so kind…

 (At this point Billy disappeared into the assembled throng, and was not seen again).

Hamilton House does direct mail.  We supply mailing lists, and envelopes, we print, we make suggestions about copy, we write copy, we make the tea, we speak on the phone, and we go and get Billy The Dog back from the pub after each speech.  Call 01536 399 000 to find out more about what we do or visit www.hamilton-house.com which is a Billy Free Zone.