The Toppled Bollard: radical direct marketing in practice

In 2002 I experimented with the idea of changing the way in which sales letters could be written, by introducing the notion of a long-running slightly amusing story, in the place of the traditional “I am pleased to enclose our latest catalogue…”

The idea took off, and our sales went up considerably as a result.  Also we found that even those who didn’t use our services, remembered exactly who we were, and when they had a reason to change direct marketing company, would give us a shout.

In 2008 I finally stopped running the series, feeling that maybe you could have too much of a good thing.   And ever since I have been receiving comments about “why aren’t you doing the funny stories any more…”

So, after a year off, I have decided to have a go again.  Here’s the first of the new run of “Toppled Bollard” stories, as they are known.  (The Bollard was the made up pub that featured in the stories.)

Here’s an unproofed copy of the first of the new stories…  It goes out with a second page, advertising the free report we offer.

The style of the Toppled Bollard Restaurant, (rendezvous to experts from the world of direct marketing) is, it is widely agreed, unique.   That this is so is undoubtedly down to the management of the establishment who see those who approach its gates as a cross between the Neanderthal and the orang-utan.  But diners at the Bollard are resilient folk and respond with their own entertainment.

 

For this indeed is a part of the kingdom where fashion dominates, and to arrive wearing anything but the latest style is to risk ridicule and social isolation for months

 

To begin at the beginning, prior to a Bollard lunch one must be seen in the right emporium drinking the right drink at precisely the right moment before moving over the road for what we might call “the match”.   In the Sanitation Engineer’s Retreat, for example, any attempt to demand a “pint of your best bitter landlord” is liable to end in decapitation. But the visitor need not fear, for this is a public house in which (for a modest token) young boys and girls scurry thither and yon offering to place your order at the bar in the correct language thus avoiding social embarrassment and the loss of a limb.

 

I must admit that I myself, being a bachelor, (and therefore lacking the comforts of a good lady offering home cooking, and all the other attributes of family life into which we will not go at this moment), eat at the eel pie shop opposite the Deceived Duchess.  After that I may partake of a restorative pint of the hostelry’s exquisite mild ale before venturing into the Bollard simply to watch  the jolly japes of the early arrivals. 

 

Once inside, the real festival of the day begins as we skin our eyes in an endeavour to keep up with the latest fashions and current trends.   Direct marketing is not, as many a misinformed popular magazine would have you wrongly suppose, about shouting NEW! and 70% DISCOUNT!   It is totally a matter of appearance and style.  Let no one tell you to the contrary!

 

This week the Blueberry-Fawcett Flat Cap is top-of-the-league in headwear, and the dandy who sports it is certain to be admired by the man in the Bollard Restaurant. True, the Military Whitelace is preferred for those of a certain age, who desire more than anything to regale their fellows with tales of yesteryear when they once got a 342% click through rate, but this is not a hat for the younger man.

 

As for socks – socks this year are worn inside out.  A red stripe denotes the height of fashion and a certain rakishness,  Matching gloves are not seen south of the Trent.   Shorts are worn low, knees high, the waist is waspish.  Elbows touch ribs and often eyes, sleeves billow.  The mouth is open, the tongue hangs out.   Shirts are art nouveau and the hat should swirl and swoop around the head aided by a lavish brim swathed in flora and plumage.  Anything else is considered insulting.

 

Tony Attwood

 

PS: Once you have the dress code sorted, you might like to consider the latest findings on exactly why some firms are getting great responses in their direct marketing campaigns and others not.  To find out, either request the report, or give me a call on 01536 399 000.

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