Hamilton House Mailings buys The Royal Mail
This web site is publishing some of the humorous sales letters written by the Hamilton House Mailings team during the past 10 years or so. This particular piece had an interesting history in that a spoof web site we put up alongside the sales letter clearly caused some annoyance and we were asked to take it down pronto – which of course we did. The publicity from the affair was worth more than any advertising we could do.
It was not the first time we had a brush with the authorities – when on an earlier occasion we published the book “Genghis Kahn Meets the Royal Mail” there was a fuss from one of the direct marketing trade associations claiming that the booklet demeaned direct marketing and that we would be removed from the trade associations if we didn’t withdraw.
But again, the publicity we gained far outshone any problems that we had. Here’s the sales letter that went with the latter campaign. Given that governments of all parties have been thinking of selling the Royal Mail – or a part of it – some of the humour is lost. But when first written at the start of the 21st century it still seemed a rather radical idea. Also I quite liked the joke about postmen suddenly getting up and delivering mail in Belgium – not to mention the warning about aliens.
Some of the services that we were advertising have gone now, replaced by email offers. Shared mailings to schools still remain, as well as email marketing to schools (see www.emails.gs) and of course there are email campaigns to businesses and consumers too (see www.yesmail.org.uk)
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Hamilton House Mailings buys The Royal Mail
In a dramatic and unprecedented move Hamilton House Mailings Ltd has purchased The Royal Mail.
Since the announcement of this buy-out I have been inundated with requests for information on what we intend to do with The Royal Mail.
Firstly I should explain that Hamilton House Mailings has made this move to protect the future of shared mailings. Through shared mailings you can mail schools, libraries, GPs, bookshops, colleges, nurseries, and universities, for far less than the cost of postage. Information reaching me in my suite on the 48th floor of Hamilton House has indicated that certain influential parties were trying to get our ability to reach tens of thousands of addresses at such low prices stopped. We had to act!
Indeed it is not just the fact that on standard prices it is possible to mail schools for as little as 8p per address, that has upset some organisations. Our various discount schemes mean that prices do get even lower than that! With discount months, cashback, Edex Days, Risk-Free mailings, Stand-By mailings, Thank you to Customer Days, Long Haul Mailings and even discounts if you include a Prize Draw on your leaflet, the prices can come down as low as 3p per address in certain cases. This, I believe, has caused some people in extremely high places to worry.
What’s more, there is the constant threat of competition. You will know, of course, that my colleagues and I are no stick-in-the-muds. We know that competition does, in certain industries, on certain occasions, from time to time, act as A Good Thing. We know it was invented by Adam Smith. Or Milton Keynes. Or someone of that ilk. And we remain grateful.
However competition has its dangers. Imagine, if you will, what the world will be like under postal competition. A postman (or woman) waking one morning in Belgium (or indeed Finland) might well decide, for the sake of change and adventure, to start delivering or collecting mail in Basildon or Giggleswick. And there would be nothing we could do to stop them!
The matter could escalate. I have been reliably informed that alien beings are even now gathering on a planet circling Alpha Centuri, awaiting the signal to come and take over our precious “afternoon delivery”. With six arms each they will be faster at sorting the mail than current staff, that is true, but this surely is not the point.
Thus we have acted and the future is secure. I thank you for your attention.
Tony Attwood
PS: For more information on the purchase of The Royal Mail by Hamilton House Mailings please see our new web site [Note at this point there was a link to the site we were obliged to remove] Or call me on my direct number: 01536 399 013, or indeed email me at Tony@hamilton-house.com
PPS: For more about the astounding discounts we are now offering on shared mailings please call 0156 399 000, where I can assure you none of the sales team has more than two arms. Each.
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