You should be receiving a plate of Spotted Dick through the post
You should be receiving a plate of Spotted Dick through the post
As I began to feel the pull of retirement (it happens to us all, so stop sniggering please) I decided that each week I would make the effort to take one of the readers of my occasional meanderings s out for a meal. I used to do this sort of thing as a regular occurrence, but my doctor warned against too much excitement in my old age.
But then I realised that I would not only reach retirement long before I had met even 10% of those I wish to entertain – I would also be shuffling off this mortal thingy (as the bard said) before I got to everyone, even if I lived to a ripe old age.
So on the basis that I can’t get to everyone thought I would send you the meal to enjoy in the comfort of your own home.
Unfortunately (and I really am very sorry to report this) Securicor today declined the chance to deliver to you the Beef au Rutland, Spotted Dick and a couple of glasses of rather interesting Chilean Chardonnay which I had chosen.
I’m devastated. I really am. And I have been thinking all day of what I can do to make this up to you. So I’ve decided the only thing to be done is to send you a brief summary of my rather entertaining sales patter on these occasions. In this way you can select your own treat at your desk, and munch and drink at will while being enthralled by my words of wisdom and occasional wit. So here we go…
“In the ten years,” (I say) “my company has written well over half a million words spread out over sales letters, brochures, emails, and blogs. You may wonder why.” (Inevitably a glazed look settles over my guests at this point. Don’t worry – it gets better.)
“There are,” I announce with due ceremony, “eighteen possible reasons.”
Now I must I admit I have lost a couple of clients at this point as they suddenly remember urgent appointments in Uzbekistan. However I quickly add, “but I shall restrict myself to one,” and that seems to calm them down. So here it is.
“People use these forms of communication because they make money out of them.” This is a good one I always feel. Straight, to the point. It gets a nod. Sip the Chilean white.
However some people object at this point, saying that it hasn’t worked for them. And I hit them with the coup de grâce. “In our group of companies,” I say, trying not to look smug, “we have a publishing house, and each week we send out a range of emails. We analyse the results and we know they work. Additionally I write a few blogs a day for the company (the numbers are not included in the half million) and I check the audience figures for these regularly. People read the material, and then contact us.
“Indeed,” I add a little later, leaning back imperiously over a rather eccentric cup of Columbian coffee, “there are no secrets. I’m really happy to take a look at your product, web site, email or a leaflet you’ve produced, and give you some thoughts on how our techniques could be adapted by you. If you think what I suggest is a load of tosh, you can ignore it – there’s no charge so there is nothing to lose.”
So there you are. The free lunch exists after all. I’m just so sorry that you weren’t able to share it with me.
Tony Attwood
PS: If you would like us to review any leaflet you want to put in a shared mailing just send it to me. Or if you prefer, give me a call. This really is a free service, but you don’t have to take my word for it. Oh actually, yes you do. Email Tony@hamilton-house.com
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