Problems with the car park – another Toppled Bollard type tale
This web site records some of the humorous sales letters written by Hamilton House, using the theme of the Toppled Bollard – a mythical pub in Northants.
Sometimes, as the Toppled Bollard stories continued, we wandered away from the Bollard itself and just wrote silly stories. This is one that got a lot of interest, and produced a lot of work for us, perhaps because it rang all the right bells.
If you would like to know more about this series do call 01536 399 000
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How to write a direct ad that people read, photocopy and then pass around the office
Last week I went to see my printer. He wanted to do some direct marketing in order to tell the world about his Heidelberg SM52 Perfector.
I asked him why he wanted to do this, and he said, “It’s got dot for dot registration of the highest order, automatic wash-up, auto plate clamping plus upper height resolution, and decolorisation at definitive frequency.”
“The car park has been resurfaced too; perhaps we could mention that,” I said, but he wasn’t sure. I pressed on: “Why should I, a person of moderate intellect and a reasonable business acumen, care that you have got a SM52?” I asked.
“It’s the highest quality,” he said, “and we can turn your work round more quickly.”
“But speed and quality are what everyone offers,” I told him. “It’s like telling me that a holiday hotel is well-appointed. It is this sort of advert that gives direct marketing a bad name. You need to be utterly different if you want anyone to read this stuff. Why don’t you tell them you have just cloned a photocopier repairman and are renting him out?”
“But it wouldn’t be true.”
“No, but they would read it.”
He looked unimpressed so I tried something else. “How about the fact that the car park is unavailable because it has been taken over by a group of itinerant Morris dancers?”
“That wouldn’t make sense – if they were itinerant, they wouldn’t stay. Why have you got a fetish about car parks?”
I ignored his jibe. “You could write a piece about how you once printed a book called, “Genghis Khan meets the Royal Mail” and you were ordered to pulp the lot, or that for the past two years you have been printing my sales letters all of which have a PS which says, ‘no horseman will call,’ without ever asking me what it means.”
“And this gets people’s attention?”
“Slows down the horsemen.”
Tony Attwood
PS: For a free report on what makes people read what you send them, see the enclosed. No horseman… oh well, if you insist. 5pm Tuesday. OK?
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