Billy “The Dog” McGraw fails to speak out on direct mail
Some Toppled Bollard stories from the early series in 2002/3 seemed to take on a life of their own and visit territory unconnected with any other little tales. This disconnection seemed to have no negative impact on the popularity of the series however, and I even received a few calls asking for “another one of the stories about the actors”. It appeared that no matter how far I took the surreal nature of the stories, people read, got the message and phoned us.
————————–
Billy “The Dog” McGraw fails to speak out on direct mail
My good colleague Billy “The Dog” McGraw is something of an expert on the topic of direct mail, and many is the time I have turned to him, and his close associate Felix “Jawbreaker” O’Frayne, for help on this topic.
Indeed the regular marketing meetings at the Toppled Bollard, in Corby’s famous “West End”, would not be complete without the input of these two industry connoisseurs.
Unfortunately, “The Dog” and his regular companion recently had something of a scare when the Dog’s car was attacked on the A43 just outside Corby and was subsequently boarded by a horde of rioting film directors on their way home from their regular Movie Quiz Night at the Pig and Wishbone.
This excitable group of men and women (who were shouting phraseology from 1930s Ealing Comedies while pretending to be Alec Guinness) then ordered the Dog and Jawbreaker from their car and insisted that they scuttle in a non-threatening manner to the side of the road.
I cannot recall anyone previously insisting that Jawbreaker scuttle anywhere, let alone in a non-threateningly manner, but this is what they did. However the Jawbreaker showed the great restraint that many of Corby’s citizens are justly famous for, and he smiled paternally. Or, rather, he had a muscular spasm about the mouth, which some of those present took to be acquiescence before citing (in summary) George W. Bush’s famous point that he was “all in favour of a stronger death penalty”.
Just at that moment, several men dressed in tights and pirate costumes chanced upon the scene. These, it appears, were evolving an arousing recreation of the famed 1938 Gainsborough Pictures version of Peter Pan – quite a commonplace occurrence in downtown Corby.
Regrettably there is a history of rivalry between the Gainsborough gang and the Ealing mob, which apparently dates back to the filming of several scenes of The Great Train Robbery on the Corby to Kettering line, and a dispute over territorial rights.
It was at this point in the proceedings that I received a text from my pals concerning their situation and I rushed to be of assistance, taking with me Reggie Fitzgibbon, the famous character actor.
“I got your text,” I said and I trotted up to The Dog and the Jawbreaker.
One of the acting mob recognised Reggie and hailed him in a hearty manner. He kindly introduced me.
“This is my pal Tony Attwood,” he said. “Writes direct mail adverts and what not, don’t you know.”
We all shook hands, and several policeman, having clicked off the safety catches of their AK47s began to take up positions in the shrubbery.
“This is a rotten business, with armed police everywhere,” I said, trying to make light of the situation.
“Oh, I don’t know, you know, don’t you know?” said Reggie, actor to the last. “We do our best.”
“I write adverts,” I explained, trying to cover for the fact that I was now lying face down in the gutter, hoping to avoid any sniping that might break out.
But there’s always a silver lining and the heavy acting that broke out in the surrounding streets did allow The Dog, Jawbreaker, Reggie and myself to make our escape, round up the troops and launch an offensive from just off the A43.
Matters blew over around 3am and two parrots were arrested.
Billy and Felix were unharmed but were sadly in no fit state to engage in a discourse on the uses of covering letters as opposed to brochures and leaflets in direct mail. However they have passed on to me a range of information on the relative response rates that are currently being gained through each type of mailing, and the ways in which literature can be modified in order to gain higher response rates.
Please call my colleagues on 01536 399 000 to discuss mailings, or telephone me on 01536 399 013 to discuss response rates.
Tony Attwood
PS: I regret that at this time I have no further news as to the well being of the parrots.
This series of articles is reprinting some of the Tales from the Toppled Bollard that were published by Hamilton House over a four year period as an experiment in surreal advertising. It turned out to be just about the most successful campaign we have ever done. If you would like to know more, do give me a call – or read some of the other stories on this site.
Posted in Direct marketing | No Comments »