How the fate of Louis XVI was nearly replicated by 134 Smarties
How the fate of Louis XVI was nearly replicated by 134 Smarties
This year the annual awards of the School Marketing Alliance for Reaching Teachers in Educational Settings (Smarties) took place in the Toppled Bollard in Corby – a jaunty venue and one that offers a thrilling setting for a meeting of the nation’s top educational salesmen and women.
The catering staff put on their usual display of haute cuisine – the shepherd’s pie contained an additional shepherd, and the spotted dick contained an extra spot. Life for the crème of the profession was good.
This year I was not honoured, I regret to say, with an award, being inexplicably overlooked for “best sales letter for a story about a pub”. But being a local, and thus unlikely to overindulge in Toppled Bollard house white, they did ask me to make the closing speech.
My exposition (“Raising response rates in direct mail into schools”) was delivered to a packed house. I took the opening shouts advising where else I could be at that hour of the night as the traditional banter of an industry welcoming one of its own long-serving sons to the top occasion of the year, and settled to my theme.
There were, I told the guests, 37 obvious ways in which most mail shots could get better response rates. Method One I suggested, involved raising response rates by reducing the glitz and glamour of the full colour multi-folded digitally compressed graphically coded, coated art printed 128 page catalogue, and replacing it with a single sheet of one colour one side A4, accompanied by an attractive, zappy, fun sales note written (not to put too fine a point on it) by me.
It was at this point that I noticed a gaggle of delegates (I can use no other generic term to describe the grouping) led by senior directors of the Bollard Print Co, who it turns out were sponsors of the event. As they advanced on the podium armed with what appeared to be a noose, I gathered that they did not take kindly to advice which would (it could be argued) reduce their turnover.
Quick as a flash, and showing my renowned ability to improvise in dodgy situations I brought my remarks to a close, congratulating the staff of the Toppled Bollard on their hospitality, noting only in passing what a shame it was that the waitresses were now all asleep.
Thus sadly those present did not get to hear my views on how educational direct mail response rates can be raised while costs can be reduced. So instead I have written up my notes and made them available to anyone interested in a series of articles on www.hamilton-house.com Just click on “How To” on the left and scroll down the list and you will find the education section.
Those of a technologically challenged disposition can phone me on 01536 399 013 and I’ll talk to you. Either way I will send you a copy of the speech I would have made had I not been “interrupted by events” (as Louis XVI so famously had it in 1789).
Tony Attwood
PS A summary of what actually happened to Louis XVI in 1789 and subsequently is also available from the same source, for those with an interest in mindless violence.
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